August 8, 2010

The Sounds In My Head

The sounds in my head are loud, clanking, factory whistles, ringing, shrieking peels of impending doom.  The sounds in my head are waterfalls, and beaches, and trains in the distance, and Tracy's whisper in my ear and Lexie and Harper's gleeful laughter when they are full of girl power.  My head constantly monitors the events of my life that are distressing: separation from Miranda and Lexie and Harper, the foreclosure, the lack of money, financial ruin, working nights, being tired, and it is so hot I could scream.  I cant walk with any form of comfort and when I don't walk the sounds in my head get so loud.  So I think I will walk the sounds off in words.

As my head sorts through the distressing sounds, there is another group of sounds that are so sweet.  The peace in my home astounds me. This place is just beautiful, full of everything we treasure, books, music, posters, Tracy's paintings, family pictures surround us.  Robbie Williams sang, "I just wanna feel real love in the home that I live in..." I do feel real
love.  The love of my husband for me is more than I ever dreamed possible and my love for him is more than I can describe.  We live, we ride the bike, we talk, we laugh, we write, we read, we love.  One night we cried.  It was my birthday and turning 50 made me sad because I thought of the children we never had.  But we have each other and that is more than most people have.

Life is full of facebook, and Wordy Word, and sweet potato casserole, and cornbread and beans, and window shopping, and Pumpkin Spice soap, and a crazy misshapen mattress, and Pilates, and true communion with one another.  I could not ask for a more perfect marriage.  I am Tracy's and Tracy is mine.  God has given me a perfect gift in a sweet, intelligent, gentle, still hot, former truck driving man!  Manic girl loves biker poet!  We are artistes!

So with those sweet sounds of love clang the sounds of upheaval.  I lost so much when I went away.  Most of all, I lost my proximity to Miranda and the girls.  The separation from them has hurt me and them in so many ways.  I have become the faraway mother and grandmother.  That was the last thing on earth I wanted to be,  Now Miranda needs me more than ever and I cant be there.   That sound hurts my ears like a scraping of nails down a blackboard.  I am missing time with them I can never regain.  Only God can make it right because I do not know how.

The debtor is the slave to the lender and I am the slave of several.  Bank of America is breathing down my neck and I am in a financial slough of despair.  As Zeppelin said, "Nobody's fault but mine..."  Time will tell what all the vultures will do.  Thank goodness they do not have my phone number because the pressure of their constant calls would drive me crazy.  Tracy is going through that and those calls never end.  I feel so bad for all he has lost, too.  But we love on...

I guess Charles Dickens said it best with, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."  Life is just like that and sometimes more poignantly than is bearable.  To have this happy home and live with the man of my dreams in a town I really like is just the most awesome thing I can imagine but it is something I want to share with my daughter and granddaughters so the clanging sounds continue in the midst of sheer perfection.  I always try to fall asleep in that perfection. One day those sounds of love will be all I hear.