The Noise In My Head Is Overwhelming Me!

Sooooo...you know what that means, blog followers, I must pour it all out here so I can clear my head and try to make sense of all the clamoring in my brain. Lucky you, dear reader lol. I am sure there might be two or three of you and suggestions are welcome!

Last Saturday I was injured on the job. If you notice many errors in this post, I apologize, but my right hand is injured and I am using my left index finger to type. The metal narcotic box lid dropped down on my right hand last weekend and that is not a good thing if you are on a blood thinner, which I am. I believe the impact burst a few blood vessels in my hand and by the end of my shift my hand was swollen, bruised, and throbbing like crazy. Now it would have been nice to have been able to go home when I injured it, and ice and elevate my hand, but as always in healthcare there is no one to come in to work and my silly determination not to put my coworkers in a bind left me trying to work despite my injury. If I had known where all this was leading I would have certainly left as soon as it occurred.

So I tell my nursing supervisor what happened and after pages of paperwork and the drug testing I am informed I must go to Baptist Hospital in downtown Nashville in order to be covered by worker's comp. Okaaaay...Tracy comes and picks me up after my shift is over (I can't drive because my hand is too swollen and painful by now) and we go to Baptist where I fully expect to spend the night waiting. But surprise, they were very efficient and I was in and out in 2 hours. A side to this part of the story is my conflicting feelings about being in an ER and now working in a nursing home. Oh my gosh I felt compelled to tell them I had been an ER nurse for years but I didn't. Yes, I'm a nursing snob and I have issues and these feelings are a part of the much larger conflicts I face but more on that later.

The Xray of my hand was negative for fractures (I really didn't think it was broken but had to be sure) and the ER doctor said I had a severe contusion (bruise) and that I needed to rest, ice and elevate my hand and in time the blood would reabsorb and the pain and swelling would decrease. He put me off work completely for three days and "light duty with no use of my right hand" until December 5th. Hmmmmm what can you do and not use your right hand??? Well according to Bethany that would be...fold washcloths for $7.50/hour. So I report to laundry for my next three workdays and fold washcloths. I work 12-hour shifts so that is a lot of washcloth folding. I hope I don't develop bursitis in my left arm.

Please don't misunderstand me, I am not too good to fold washcloths, or wash clothes, or wipe butts or clean vomit or any of the million awful tasks I have done in 26 years of nursing and I have NO arrogant attitude at all. But I am an RN and one would think there was something I could do in the facility that was more in line with my skills and experience. And something that paid better than laundry's minimum wage because I can't pay my bills or have any kind of Christmas after suffering this financial blow. No it's nothing long-lasting, just for five or six days, but enough to knock me back down for awhile.

I cried all day Tuesday when I was informed of my fate. Just the thought of it was overwhelming! No one has called to check on me, I have to work in laundry at reduced wages, I was injured at work but I am being punished and penalized in every way.

So I started thinking about getting a new job. I can't go without insurance but travel nursing starts insurance on day one with no waiting period...hmmmmm. So I check my old travel agency's website and they have an ER opening in Smyrna TN!!!! Well that is only 4 miles further than Bethany from my house and oh my gosh, surely this is meant to be!! But oh yeah it is ER and nights and that's why I left Bethany, isn't it? Aaaaaargh!!

So I have been sorting through all my manic thoughts and trying to come to some conclusions. Yes I left ER because it was physically and emotionally draining and night shift was really hard on my body. And I went to Bethany for day shift and a change of pace. But I must admit I have been terribly depressed as the days go by at Bethany. It's been over 3 months since I started an IV. I have been involved in two codes and felt like my experience and skills were pointless as I stood by waiting for an ambulance to arrive and take the resident to the hospital ER to do the things I used to do. I tell myself that elderly nursing home residents deserve nurses with highly developed skills and loads of experience. But every day I become less and less a skilled, experienced nurse and more and more of the nursing home kind.

And what about all that talk of professionalism and bringing more RNs to Bethany to improve the level of care and elevate the reputation of the facility. Laugh out loud (spelled out for emphasis) The management staff who interviewed me wondered out loud why they couldn't recruit and retain more RNs from the hospital setting. Well, let's think about that. Most hospitals have a blood pressure cuff in every room. Bethany has two full-service machines (temp, B/P and pulse ox on one piece of equipment) on the entire second floor serving 60-70 residents. Sometimes 12-15 of my residents need one or two blood pressures during my shift and I have to track down a machine, take the blood pressure and hope the machine isn't swiped by another nurse when I turn my back. I asked for more machines about a month ago and was promised they would be ordered...still waiting. And what about this narcotic box lid? Do you know how many nurses said they'd had the same thing happen to them in the past? MANY! Only difference? They weren't on a blood thinner. Obviously the lid is a hazard that is perpetual and I bet nothing has been done to secure or improve them since I was injured. I will let you know when I'm returned to nursing from my temporary laundry assignment.

So I am working through all these emotions and concerns and basically grieving the loss of my skills and then I get injured on the job. After I was seen at the hospital for my injury, I returned to Bethany with all my paperwork and was told by the night supervisor in a sarcastic, sing-songy, laughing manner that I was headed to laundry at minimum wage. I just couldn't believe it! But she was right as I was informed on Monday to report to laundry on Saturday.

So I have spent my day on the phone to travel companies, working on my resume, contacting potential references (AGAIN! Didn't I just change jobs???) and trying to sort through the pros and cons of all my options. Tomorrow I start paying $500/month for shitty (sorry Mom) insurance at Bethany. Travel nurse insurance is even worse but much cheaper. But I've almost decided it doesn't matter because The Medical Center insurance has denied my hospital claims with my heart attack because it was "pre-existing". Hmmmm never had heart trouble in my life but they denied it stating I had hypertension previously and told me that was why they denied the claim. I appealed and got my answer today...I owe Carle in Urbana around $63,000 and I owe The Medical Center over $11,000. Plus all the doctors and various tests and Xrays and EKGs so I owe nearly $100,000 and I HAD INSURANCE!!! Or not, whatever.

Song of Solomon says, "Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines..." and that is how I feel. I am not starving to death, I don't live in van down by the river, I am not dying of cancer or a terrible disease, I can walk, and talk, and think, and see and hear, I have a good paying, due to my education I have always had a secure job and income, I have a wonderful family, I'm not outside in the freezing temperatures, I have heat and warm blankets, I have access to clean, fresh water and I took a shower today and most importantly I am saved by Jesus, God in the flesh, and my future is secure in His hands and plans.

But the little foxes may drive me to drink, swear and take up smoking again! The last year has been nearly overwhelming and now I report to laundry on Saturday. I am tired, uncertain, and confused by much of it. Posting about it all really changes nothing but it makes me feel better somehow. Thanks for listening and prayers, please and thank you :)

Simply Aaaargh!

"Total fat intake, especially saturated fat and trans fat, plays a larger role in blood cholesterol than intake of cholesterol itself."

"Given the well-recognized role of cholesterol in cardiovascular disease, some studies have shown, surprisingly, an inverse correlation between cholesterol levels and mortality."

"Cholesterol is a 100% necessary ingredient in the processes that sustain life. High cholesterol levels do not come from cholesterol in your diet. Instead, high cholesterol levels result from interference with cholesterol utilization."

"After monitoring 5,000 people for several decades, the Framingham Heart Study determined that people who eat more cholesterol have no more tendency to develop coronary heart disease than anyone else."

"High cholesterol levels come from the partially hydrogenated oils, shortening, margarine, and high fructose corn syrup that are now ubiquitous in the American diet. Dietary cholesterol is of no consequence. So people are mystified when their efforts to avoid "high cholesterol" foods like meat and dairy products have no effect, and they resort to using drugs to fight the ever-rising tide of cholesterol."

"Most people can generally get their cholesterol and triglyceride levels back to normal by:
*Doing plenty of exercise (check)
*Eating plenty of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, oats, good quality fats (check)
*Avoiding foods with saturated fats (check)
*Getting plenty of sleep (check)
*Bringing your bodyweight back to normal (working on)
*Avoiding alcohol (I always avoid alcohol because it tastes so awful)
*Stopping smoking" (check! check!)

So I guess you can see where I have been spending my "internets" time today. And my head hurts now and it seems the more I read the more confused I become. Who knows? Even the experts seem to disagree.

I saw my doctor yesterday (actually his nurse practitioner) and had my lipid testing done. I was so excited to see the results! After all I haven't smoked since my heart attack, I exercise 4-5 times a week with some hard walking, I have been eating so well (salmon, flax seeds, milk enriched with omega-3, walnuts) Oh my goodness, I have been such a good girl! My goal was to prove I did NOT need cholesterol medications. Was I ever let down! :(

My numbers had nearly doubled in some places and everything was up from before 3 months ago! I was heartbroken! So I've spent a lot of time reading about cholesterol and diet, which I did right after my heart attack and I thought I was on the right path. Apparently not!

I took my first Crestor last night despite all my misgivings. I'm going to keep looking into this and learn as much as possible. One thing I have already discovered is the giant gap between conventional and holistic medicine. They do not meet anywhere!

Also I read that high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) can lead to rapid rise in cholesterol and the main delivery system for that? My Mt Dew bottle is full of it. Now I must admit that recently I have returned to my old "crack" because I have to get up so early for work and that caffeine really helps get me going on the way to work. (yahoo, Mt Dew!) And yes, maybe I was having one after lunch to recharge me, or MAYBE I JUST LIKE MT DEW!!! How about that? I apparently can't have anything I like very much...no smokes, no French fries, no Mt Dew, I haven't even had my annual McRib deliciousness this year...what IS next?

But I am going back to the old tea and water regiment and will see what my numbers are in 6 weeks. If they go down I won't know if it's the medicine or the elimination of HFCS so I will have to reevaluate and keep praying. Other than those terrible numbers, everything else was good! My blood pressure was 94/50! How about that from crazy, manic me lol

So here is a challenge for you...there is no doubt HFCS and partially hydrogenated oils are poison to our bodies...try to go all day without ingesting any! Then try a week or a month...it is not easy! Give it a try :)

Today is Tobey and Lola's birthday! Happy birthday sweet girls! One I will see tomorrow and one I will see in heaven and I love them both so very much! I love ALL my girls so very much! I AM blessed beyond belief :)

Yes We Are Still Here (Barely)

I guess if ya don't have much to say there's really no point in blogging. But I re-read my entire blog tonight and realized how nice it is to document my life even when it's mundane and boring, which honestly it is most all the time :)

Fall has arrived, pretty much peaked in an awesome color display, and winter will probably begin to sink its claws into us soon. I heard it is going to be 27 degrees in a night or two and this depressing time change has it dark by 4:30 or so. But fall has been beautiful and I will enjoy the last remaining days of it.

I think I'm kinda in a rut. A week or so ago I posted about a lost day and then last week was a lost week and now I'm heading in to another lost week and what's next? A lost month? Lol Everything feels unexciting and I don't have much energy. Walking is a HUGE drag which is unusual for me. It doesn't wear me out, I just don't wanna go in the first place. My weight loss is at a grinding, screeching stop and I've just lost interest. Work is okay but has not turned out exactly as I'd hoped so I am readjusting to the changes there. Like I said everything seems blah and mundane and it's kinda dumb to write about such nothingness.

Tracy is lost in his last 4 weeks of the semester where everything piles up at once and the end is so near but WAY too much to be done until then and although we are here at home together fairly frequently, I feel like we are ghosts to each other. He has so much to get done and we both look forward to December, when the semester ends, although a few weeks from that ending a new beginning starts...two years of nursing school. Oh me :)

Speaking of nursing school, I read an article in the Tennessee Nursing Association's newspaper about bullying in nursing school, the tremendous stress of nursing school, and in the field of nursing, in general and it made me sad and mad. Nursing school and then a career in nursing is a hard road to travel. There are rewards in nursing but there are many trials. I think because nursing is so full of psychopaths, it makes the professional difficult, even more difficult than it is to begin with.

I mean, think about it...who are the people who sign up to "nurse" others back to health? Sure there are some Clara Bartons and Florence Nightingales out there and hats off to them. But there are lots of insecure, codependent, needy people (women) in nursing and they make a tough profession worse. They are the ones who "eat their young," refuse to share their experience and knowledge with others, and are constantly backstabbing, complaining, and drag the profession down with their martyrdom. A person I work with told me recently, " You worked in ER, you can figure it out..."

Fortunately I could figure it out but not because they were willing to share their expertise and knowledge with me. Later I found they have angst toward RNs because they are an LPN and feel threatened by the difference. Sad, unprofessional, and a lack of mental health, I would say.

So I've decided to mentor some nursing students. One thing I've always loved doing is training new staff members because it is a perfect opportunity to influence them for good, both as an employee and as a professional. I love to teach by example and influence a nurse to recognize the good things about nursing. Yes, I'm often pretty burnt out myself after 26 years of it but never when I'm orienting someone.

I never complain or speak negatively about my profession when I am training someone. I take pride in what I do and that I do it well and want to share that with them. Now that I'm in a new area of nursing I won't be training anyone for awhile, so I think I will try mentoring. I'm gonna read about what makes a good mentor and then give it a try. I'll let ya know how it goes. Tracy may be my guinea pig lol

Gonna get some sleep so perhaps tomorrow won't be lost...but who knows? Love, love, love!