Stop The Blue Bus! I Wanna Get Off...

The Doors sang a song called "The End" and it's kinda dark and gets fast paced and frantic as it closes. Some of the lyrics include the mention of a blue bus...

"The blue bus is calling us.
The blue bus is calling us.
Driver, where you taking us?
...And meet me at the back of the blue bus..."

I think I was on the blue bus for quite awhile in the past month or so. I have not posted in weeks, totally ignoring the Christmas and New Year's holidays, Tracy's birthday, no New Year's resolutions, no posts or pics from the post-Christmas visit from the Jones family and Mom and John, no updates on my awful work injury ordeal, nothing, silence.

I did go to the blogger app one time and this is what I wrote...

"I have felt soooo blue, in every kinda way, for the past several days, maybe weeks. Then you read headlines about someone losing their children and parents in a Christmas morning fire and you know you have no reason to be blue, nothing to feel except gratitude and thankfulness. And still my blues continue... Wrapped around me like a blanket, weighing me down to the ground, clouding my reason and making each step heavy and normalcy seems so very far away. Smile, everyone is looking, keep moving, life trudges on, don't fall off the ledge because you might not make it back up here...who is that whispering in my ear?"

And this...

"I wish I was a jellyfish. That's very odd because jellyfish kinda creep me out but as I lay and dream of an improved condition, the jellyfish came to mind. If I were a jellyfish I would contract and pull in warm, salty water into every crook, crevice, and opening in my jellyfish body, filling every passageway with cleansing, purifying balm and then suddenly I would empty it all and MOVE!!! I would shoot across the ocean leaving all those burdens, real and imagined, far behind. Aaaah, see me fly away from every entanglement and burden, fresh and clean and strong. That's why I want to be a jellyfish :)" I even found a picture of a BLUE jellyfish! See below :)

Strange, huh? Depressed, I would say. I was in pain, I was not getting paid, I wasn't certain my hand would ever get better, I was taking 60mg of Prednisone a day (in addition to a topical steroid patch to my injured hand for 14 hours a day) while taking Percocet for my pain...I felt like I was losing my mind! I was way jacked up on Prednisone and way down low on Percocet and depression, all in the same brain. Somehow I didn't care what happened to me and on the other hand I was desperate to get better and get back to normal. Yes, I use that word loosely but normal for me.

So I decided to wean myself off the Prednisone on my own. Typical nurse behavior, huh? Lol but I had five more doses to go (translate five more days of madness) and I could not continue on in such a state. So in two days I cut the Prednisone down from 60mg, to 20mg, to 10mg. Now any healthcare people know you always taper Prednisone over time but I didn't feel like I had any time. I felt desperate so that was my first step.

Prednisone is a steroid and taking steroids can lead to some serious weight gain. Not muscle mass (that'd be anabolic steroids like athletes abuse) but fat. As for me, I gained 12 lbs. in about a week and it was all in my stomach! I literally felt like I was carrying around a tire across my stomach. Total misery! Totally uncomfortable! Total depression!

Feeling so fat (and the Percocet, no doubt) caused me to lay in bed all the time. And if you know me, you know I don't lay around in the bed. I slept off and on throughout the day and night, getting out to go for Physical Therapy, then back to bed. I didn't drive for 6 weeks because my hand hurt too bad and you can't drive on Percocet. I laid in bed and slept and was sad and fat.

After I stopped the Prednisone, I stopped the Percocet. Since I am on blood thinner after my MI, I can't take my drug of choice, Motrin. What I would have given for a 800mg Motrin during this ordeal. I think it would have made all the difference in the world. I was VERY tempted a time or two to sneak and take one, but I kept thinking about internal bleeding and blood transfusions...my blood was already so thin...I could tell that by looking at my injured hand.

So I got off the Prednisone and the I quit the Percocet and little by little I returned!!! Oh my gosh somewhere a long the way I came out of that dark tunnel and realized, "I am starting to feel normal..." Well once again, "normal" for me!

My injured hand still hurts and there are some movements (twisting caps off bottles, turning doorknobs) I still can't do without much pain. But everyday is some better and I have come to the conclusion (and been told by the doctor) my right hand may never be the same :( But I am back to work and hopefully in a few weeks my income will return to its normal schedule and this whole ordeal will become a fuzzy memory.

I have started a new food plan, "The Perfect 10," (as in 10 hormones, not Bo Derek,) (more about that another time,) cut out the Mountain Dews completely, I am walking every day again and I have lost 6 lbs. already! Yay!

In the words of James Brown, "I feel good, so good..." I finally got off the blue bus! I hated the ride! I don't know what 2012 holds and I am not foolish enough to ever say it has to be better because of course it doesn't have to be better but I hope it is. I have been through a lot in the past six months and I think it all hit me during the past month but I can do all things, through Christ, Who strengthens me and so I continue on. Tracy has started nursing school this week and as I told him, "Hang on tight! Here we go!!" Hopefully I will keep ya posted :)

The Blue Bus?

Some Christmas Past

Here are some random pictures of Christmas. I love you all and wish you the merriest Christmas of all. We are so blessed, aren't we? :)

I Feel Like A Number

I used to say, "the less you do, the less you wanna do" and "the more you do, the more you wanna do" and that was pretty true. Now I say, "the more ya do, the less you wanna do." Age does change so many things. It is more than just a number. At least physically...

In my head I feel the same as I have always felt. Nothing much has changed there. But physically, oh my gosh, just miss a few days walking and it feels like starting over. And my poor right arm doesn't stand a chance...radial artery transection from my heart cath and now this awful contusion...it hurts ALL the time and I wonder if it will ever get better. Yes, it has improved some but the deep, dark ache is always there and if I turn it wrong, I want to cry :(

It's just all so surreal, being older and my body starting to let me down but I'm still the same silly, hyper me. My head is still 13 and my body feels 113 at times. The frustration is maddening some days. Eat right, exercise, don't smoke, don't stress, stop those Mt. Dews, take these pills...I long for all those years I was healthy and didn't even know to appreciate it. I guess years from now I'll look back at these days and see how great they were. Oh me...

It's Christmastime (thanks for looking that up, Miranda) but it doesn't really feel like it to me. I have been trying to focus on the true meaning and listening to everyone say it's not about gifts and stuff but really it IS about being able to get those you love something special. This year I'd planned to hand make my gifts for the adults but I injured my right hand. Lol haven't had a check in three weeks so not gonna be doing much Christmas shopping and I just don't feel good, mentally or physically, so I lay around and look at pinterest and Facebook and watch the few shows I like on TV. The steroids make me manic, the pain pills make me nauseous and sluggish, and this roller coaster ride is getting very old.

I know in the big scheme of things all of this is meaningless. There are people in frightening, treacherous, painful, and hopeless situations. I am just a whiner who needs to count my blessings and shut up. So I will...Merry Christmas to all and most of all thank You, Father, for the most perfect gift of all, Jesus, Who gives me fresh mercies and restores my soul every day of my life. O come, let us adore HIM...love!

I Am NOT All Grinchy (I have a little spirit and a little tree!)

Workmens "Comp"less

Ever been hurt on the job? I don't recommend it. This is the first time I've been hurt at work and I started nursing way back in 1985. Seems like a million years ago but I was young and excited and thrilled with that $7.14/hour! Lol so much has changed.

Now I'm fairly burnt out and although I make more money it never seems to be enough :) Honestly I'm very blessed but the 66 2/3% of $7.50 I'll be getting paid for my laundry folding this past weekend probably won't pay many bills and just forget Christmas. But the company paid a cab $89 for a one-way trip for me to fold that laundry. Hmmmm they can pay cab company nearly $200 to transport me but only pay me 2/3 of minimum wage...I'm not feeling the love! And the professionalism is non-existent.

Soooo I did fold laundry for two 12-hour shifts this weekend and my injured right hand is worse and my uninjured left shoulder now barely moves. I'm off that horrible "light duty" again and will be reevaluated tomorrow. I told the nursing home administrator that I felt folding laundry with one arm caused my left shoulder pain and she replied she does it all the time. Nothing like a little one-armed laundry folding to start your administrative day! Yeah right!

Today I get my 3rd session of therapy. I'm excited and hoping it will involve some, you know, therapy! The 1st day included ice for 10 minutes, moving putty with my fingers for 5 minutes capped off with 3 sets of 10 thumb circles. Session 2 was 10 minutes of ice, an evaluation of my workspace to determine if it could be improved (my hand was swollen and I could barely move it after 1 1/2 hours of laundry folding earlier that morning) and after much consideration it was determined that it could not be improved and I was instructed to do 3 sets of 10 thumb circles AT HOME!!! Okay, once again, I am not feeling the love!

This ordeal has been a nightmare and I am considering new professions. Any suggestions? I have taken care of sick people for 26 years, cleaned dirty butts, wiped up vomit, literally skied through pools of blood in the floor, I have laid on the altar of nursing punishment, and this is my reward. Now I am injured, AT WORK, and this is how I'm treated. How sad! Needless to say I am very blue but still hopeful that this will all turn around at some point. Time will tell :)

Postscript: Carle Hospital in Urbana called Tracy's phone yesterday, he answered and they asked for me. Due to my close proximity he handed me the phone!!! Oh my gosh! What do I do?? Hello? The sickening sweet-voiced woman on the other end informed me that she hated to bill me for the $61,000 that my insurance declined to pay but it looked like she was going to have to do so...silly woman, give it a whirl!!!

LAUGH OUT LOUD!

(can they repossess my stent??)

The Noise In My Head Is Overwhelming Me!

Sooooo...you know what that means, blog followers, I must pour it all out here so I can clear my head and try to make sense of all the clamoring in my brain. Lucky you, dear reader lol. I am sure there might be two or three of you and suggestions are welcome!

Last Saturday I was injured on the job. If you notice many errors in this post, I apologize, but my right hand is injured and I am using my left index finger to type. The metal narcotic box lid dropped down on my right hand last weekend and that is not a good thing if you are on a blood thinner, which I am. I believe the impact burst a few blood vessels in my hand and by the end of my shift my hand was swollen, bruised, and throbbing like crazy. Now it would have been nice to have been able to go home when I injured it, and ice and elevate my hand, but as always in healthcare there is no one to come in to work and my silly determination not to put my coworkers in a bind left me trying to work despite my injury. If I had known where all this was leading I would have certainly left as soon as it occurred.

So I tell my nursing supervisor what happened and after pages of paperwork and the drug testing I am informed I must go to Baptist Hospital in downtown Nashville in order to be covered by worker's comp. Okaaaay...Tracy comes and picks me up after my shift is over (I can't drive because my hand is too swollen and painful by now) and we go to Baptist where I fully expect to spend the night waiting. But surprise, they were very efficient and I was in and out in 2 hours. A side to this part of the story is my conflicting feelings about being in an ER and now working in a nursing home. Oh my gosh I felt compelled to tell them I had been an ER nurse for years but I didn't. Yes, I'm a nursing snob and I have issues and these feelings are a part of the much larger conflicts I face but more on that later.

The Xray of my hand was negative for fractures (I really didn't think it was broken but had to be sure) and the ER doctor said I had a severe contusion (bruise) and that I needed to rest, ice and elevate my hand and in time the blood would reabsorb and the pain and swelling would decrease. He put me off work completely for three days and "light duty with no use of my right hand" until December 5th. Hmmmmm what can you do and not use your right hand??? Well according to Bethany that would be...fold washcloths for $7.50/hour. So I report to laundry for my next three workdays and fold washcloths. I work 12-hour shifts so that is a lot of washcloth folding. I hope I don't develop bursitis in my left arm.

Please don't misunderstand me, I am not too good to fold washcloths, or wash clothes, or wipe butts or clean vomit or any of the million awful tasks I have done in 26 years of nursing and I have NO arrogant attitude at all. But I am an RN and one would think there was something I could do in the facility that was more in line with my skills and experience. And something that paid better than laundry's minimum wage because I can't pay my bills or have any kind of Christmas after suffering this financial blow. No it's nothing long-lasting, just for five or six days, but enough to knock me back down for awhile.

I cried all day Tuesday when I was informed of my fate. Just the thought of it was overwhelming! No one has called to check on me, I have to work in laundry at reduced wages, I was injured at work but I am being punished and penalized in every way.

So I started thinking about getting a new job. I can't go without insurance but travel nursing starts insurance on day one with no waiting period...hmmmmm. So I check my old travel agency's website and they have an ER opening in Smyrna TN!!!! Well that is only 4 miles further than Bethany from my house and oh my gosh, surely this is meant to be!! But oh yeah it is ER and nights and that's why I left Bethany, isn't it? Aaaaaargh!!

So I have been sorting through all my manic thoughts and trying to come to some conclusions. Yes I left ER because it was physically and emotionally draining and night shift was really hard on my body. And I went to Bethany for day shift and a change of pace. But I must admit I have been terribly depressed as the days go by at Bethany. It's been over 3 months since I started an IV. I have been involved in two codes and felt like my experience and skills were pointless as I stood by waiting for an ambulance to arrive and take the resident to the hospital ER to do the things I used to do. I tell myself that elderly nursing home residents deserve nurses with highly developed skills and loads of experience. But every day I become less and less a skilled, experienced nurse and more and more of the nursing home kind.

And what about all that talk of professionalism and bringing more RNs to Bethany to improve the level of care and elevate the reputation of the facility. Laugh out loud (spelled out for emphasis) The management staff who interviewed me wondered out loud why they couldn't recruit and retain more RNs from the hospital setting. Well, let's think about that. Most hospitals have a blood pressure cuff in every room. Bethany has two full-service machines (temp, B/P and pulse ox on one piece of equipment) on the entire second floor serving 60-70 residents. Sometimes 12-15 of my residents need one or two blood pressures during my shift and I have to track down a machine, take the blood pressure and hope the machine isn't swiped by another nurse when I turn my back. I asked for more machines about a month ago and was promised they would be ordered...still waiting. And what about this narcotic box lid? Do you know how many nurses said they'd had the same thing happen to them in the past? MANY! Only difference? They weren't on a blood thinner. Obviously the lid is a hazard that is perpetual and I bet nothing has been done to secure or improve them since I was injured. I will let you know when I'm returned to nursing from my temporary laundry assignment.

So I am working through all these emotions and concerns and basically grieving the loss of my skills and then I get injured on the job. After I was seen at the hospital for my injury, I returned to Bethany with all my paperwork and was told by the night supervisor in a sarcastic, sing-songy, laughing manner that I was headed to laundry at minimum wage. I just couldn't believe it! But she was right as I was informed on Monday to report to laundry on Saturday.

So I have spent my day on the phone to travel companies, working on my resume, contacting potential references (AGAIN! Didn't I just change jobs???) and trying to sort through the pros and cons of all my options. Tomorrow I start paying $500/month for shitty (sorry Mom) insurance at Bethany. Travel nurse insurance is even worse but much cheaper. But I've almost decided it doesn't matter because The Medical Center insurance has denied my hospital claims with my heart attack because it was "pre-existing". Hmmmm never had heart trouble in my life but they denied it stating I had hypertension previously and told me that was why they denied the claim. I appealed and got my answer today...I owe Carle in Urbana around $63,000 and I owe The Medical Center over $11,000. Plus all the doctors and various tests and Xrays and EKGs so I owe nearly $100,000 and I HAD INSURANCE!!! Or not, whatever.

Song of Solomon says, "Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines..." and that is how I feel. I am not starving to death, I don't live in van down by the river, I am not dying of cancer or a terrible disease, I can walk, and talk, and think, and see and hear, I have a good paying, due to my education I have always had a secure job and income, I have a wonderful family, I'm not outside in the freezing temperatures, I have heat and warm blankets, I have access to clean, fresh water and I took a shower today and most importantly I am saved by Jesus, God in the flesh, and my future is secure in His hands and plans.

But the little foxes may drive me to drink, swear and take up smoking again! The last year has been nearly overwhelming and now I report to laundry on Saturday. I am tired, uncertain, and confused by much of it. Posting about it all really changes nothing but it makes me feel better somehow. Thanks for listening and prayers, please and thank you :)

Simply Aaaargh!

"Total fat intake, especially saturated fat and trans fat, plays a larger role in blood cholesterol than intake of cholesterol itself."

"Given the well-recognized role of cholesterol in cardiovascular disease, some studies have shown, surprisingly, an inverse correlation between cholesterol levels and mortality."

"Cholesterol is a 100% necessary ingredient in the processes that sustain life. High cholesterol levels do not come from cholesterol in your diet. Instead, high cholesterol levels result from interference with cholesterol utilization."

"After monitoring 5,000 people for several decades, the Framingham Heart Study determined that people who eat more cholesterol have no more tendency to develop coronary heart disease than anyone else."

"High cholesterol levels come from the partially hydrogenated oils, shortening, margarine, and high fructose corn syrup that are now ubiquitous in the American diet. Dietary cholesterol is of no consequence. So people are mystified when their efforts to avoid "high cholesterol" foods like meat and dairy products have no effect, and they resort to using drugs to fight the ever-rising tide of cholesterol."

"Most people can generally get their cholesterol and triglyceride levels back to normal by:
*Doing plenty of exercise (check)
*Eating plenty of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, oats, good quality fats (check)
*Avoiding foods with saturated fats (check)
*Getting plenty of sleep (check)
*Bringing your bodyweight back to normal (working on)
*Avoiding alcohol (I always avoid alcohol because it tastes so awful)
*Stopping smoking" (check! check!)

So I guess you can see where I have been spending my "internets" time today. And my head hurts now and it seems the more I read the more confused I become. Who knows? Even the experts seem to disagree.

I saw my doctor yesterday (actually his nurse practitioner) and had my lipid testing done. I was so excited to see the results! After all I haven't smoked since my heart attack, I exercise 4-5 times a week with some hard walking, I have been eating so well (salmon, flax seeds, milk enriched with omega-3, walnuts) Oh my goodness, I have been such a good girl! My goal was to prove I did NOT need cholesterol medications. Was I ever let down! :(

My numbers had nearly doubled in some places and everything was up from before 3 months ago! I was heartbroken! So I've spent a lot of time reading about cholesterol and diet, which I did right after my heart attack and I thought I was on the right path. Apparently not!

I took my first Crestor last night despite all my misgivings. I'm going to keep looking into this and learn as much as possible. One thing I have already discovered is the giant gap between conventional and holistic medicine. They do not meet anywhere!

Also I read that high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) can lead to rapid rise in cholesterol and the main delivery system for that? My Mt Dew bottle is full of it. Now I must admit that recently I have returned to my old "crack" because I have to get up so early for work and that caffeine really helps get me going on the way to work. (yahoo, Mt Dew!) And yes, maybe I was having one after lunch to recharge me, or MAYBE I JUST LIKE MT DEW!!! How about that? I apparently can't have anything I like very much...no smokes, no French fries, no Mt Dew, I haven't even had my annual McRib deliciousness this year...what IS next?

But I am going back to the old tea and water regiment and will see what my numbers are in 6 weeks. If they go down I won't know if it's the medicine or the elimination of HFCS so I will have to reevaluate and keep praying. Other than those terrible numbers, everything else was good! My blood pressure was 94/50! How about that from crazy, manic me lol

So here is a challenge for you...there is no doubt HFCS and partially hydrogenated oils are poison to our bodies...try to go all day without ingesting any! Then try a week or a month...it is not easy! Give it a try :)

Today is Tobey and Lola's birthday! Happy birthday sweet girls! One I will see tomorrow and one I will see in heaven and I love them both so very much! I love ALL my girls so very much! I AM blessed beyond belief :)