"The blue bus is calling us.
The blue bus is calling us.
Driver, where you taking us?
...And meet me at the back of the blue bus..."
I think I was on the blue bus for quite awhile in the past month or so. I have not posted in weeks, totally ignoring the Christmas and New Year's holidays, Tracy's birthday, no New Year's resolutions, no posts or pics from the post-Christmas visit from the Jones family and Mom and John, no updates on my awful work injury ordeal, nothing, silence.
I did go to the blogger app one time and this is what I wrote...
"I have felt soooo blue, in every kinda way, for the past several days, maybe weeks. Then you read headlines about someone losing their children and parents in a Christmas morning fire and you know you have no reason to be blue, nothing to feel except gratitude and thankfulness. And still my blues continue... Wrapped around me like a blanket, weighing me down to the ground, clouding my reason and making each step heavy and normalcy seems so very far away. Smile, everyone is looking, keep moving, life trudges on, don't fall off the ledge because you might not make it back up here...who is that whispering in my ear?"
And this...
"I wish I was a jellyfish. That's very odd because jellyfish kinda creep me out but as I lay and dream of an improved condition, the jellyfish came to mind. If I were a jellyfish I would contract and pull in warm, salty water into every crook, crevice, and opening in my jellyfish body, filling every passageway with cleansing, purifying balm and then suddenly I would empty it all and MOVE!!! I would shoot across the ocean leaving all those burdens, real and imagined, far behind. Aaaah, see me fly away from every entanglement and burden, fresh and clean and strong. That's why I want to be a jellyfish :)" I even found a picture of a BLUE jellyfish! See below :)
Strange, huh? Depressed, I would say. I was in pain, I was not getting paid, I wasn't certain my hand would ever get better, I was taking 60mg of Prednisone a day (in addition to a topical steroid patch to my injured hand for 14 hours a day) while taking Percocet for my pain...I felt like I was losing my mind! I was way jacked up on Prednisone and way down low on Percocet and depression, all in the same brain. Somehow I didn't care what happened to me and on the other hand I was desperate to get better and get back to normal. Yes, I use that word loosely but normal for me.
So I decided to wean myself off the Prednisone on my own. Typical nurse behavior, huh? Lol but I had five more doses to go (translate five more days of madness) and I could not continue on in such a state. So in two days I cut the Prednisone down from 60mg, to 20mg, to 10mg. Now any healthcare people know you always taper Prednisone over time but I didn't feel like I had any time. I felt desperate so that was my first step.
Prednisone is a steroid and taking steroids can lead to some serious weight gain. Not muscle mass (that'd be anabolic steroids like athletes abuse) but fat. As for me, I gained 12 lbs. in about a week and it was all in my stomach! I literally felt like I was carrying around a tire across my stomach. Total misery! Totally uncomfortable! Total depression!
Feeling so fat (and the Percocet, no doubt) caused me to lay in bed all the time. And if you know me, you know I don't lay around in the bed. I slept off and on throughout the day and night, getting out to go for Physical Therapy, then back to bed. I didn't drive for 6 weeks because my hand hurt too bad and you can't drive on Percocet. I laid in bed and slept and was sad and fat.
After I stopped the Prednisone, I stopped the Percocet. Since I am on blood thinner after my MI, I can't take my drug of choice, Motrin. What I would have given for a 800mg Motrin during this ordeal. I think it would have made all the difference in the world. I was VERY tempted a time or two to sneak and take one, but I kept thinking about internal bleeding and blood transfusions...my blood was already so thin...I could tell that by looking at my injured hand.
So I got off the Prednisone and the I quit the Percocet and little by little I returned!!! Oh my gosh somewhere a long the way I came out of that dark tunnel and realized, "I am starting to feel normal..." Well once again, "normal" for me!
My injured hand still hurts and there are some movements (twisting caps off bottles, turning doorknobs) I still can't do without much pain. But everyday is some better and I have come to the conclusion (and been told by the doctor) my right hand may never be the same :( But I am back to work and hopefully in a few weeks my income will return to its normal schedule and this whole ordeal will become a fuzzy memory.
I have started a new food plan, "The Perfect 10," (as in 10 hormones, not Bo Derek,) (more about that another time,) cut out the Mountain Dews completely, I am walking every day again and I have lost 6 lbs. already! Yay!
In the words of James Brown, "I feel good, so good..." I finally got off the blue bus! I hated the ride! I don't know what 2012 holds and I am not foolish enough to ever say it has to be better because of course it doesn't have to be better but I hope it is. I have been through a lot in the past six months and I think it all hit me during the past month but I can do all things, through Christ, Who strengthens me and so I continue on. Tracy has started nursing school this week and as I told him, "Hang on tight! Here we go!!" Hopefully I will keep ya posted :)
The Blue Bus?
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