I Feel Like A Number

I used to say, "the less you do, the less you wanna do" and "the more you do, the more you wanna do" and that was pretty true. Now I say, "the more ya do, the less you wanna do." Age does change so many things. It is more than just a number. At least physically...

In my head I feel the same as I have always felt. Nothing much has changed there. But physically, oh my gosh, just miss a few days walking and it feels like starting over. And my poor right arm doesn't stand a chance...radial artery transection from my heart cath and now this awful contusion...it hurts ALL the time and I wonder if it will ever get better. Yes, it has improved some but the deep, dark ache is always there and if I turn it wrong, I want to cry :(

It's just all so surreal, being older and my body starting to let me down but I'm still the same silly, hyper me. My head is still 13 and my body feels 113 at times. The frustration is maddening some days. Eat right, exercise, don't smoke, don't stress, stop those Mt. Dews, take these pills...I long for all those years I was healthy and didn't even know to appreciate it. I guess years from now I'll look back at these days and see how great they were. Oh me...

It's Christmastime (thanks for looking that up, Miranda) but it doesn't really feel like it to me. I have been trying to focus on the true meaning and listening to everyone say it's not about gifts and stuff but really it IS about being able to get those you love something special. This year I'd planned to hand make my gifts for the adults but I injured my right hand. Lol haven't had a check in three weeks so not gonna be doing much Christmas shopping and I just don't feel good, mentally or physically, so I lay around and look at pinterest and Facebook and watch the few shows I like on TV. The steroids make me manic, the pain pills make me nauseous and sluggish, and this roller coaster ride is getting very old.

I know in the big scheme of things all of this is meaningless. There are people in frightening, treacherous, painful, and hopeless situations. I am just a whiner who needs to count my blessings and shut up. So I will...Merry Christmas to all and most of all thank You, Father, for the most perfect gift of all, Jesus, Who gives me fresh mercies and restores my soul every day of my life. O come, let us adore HIM...love!